I Wish I Got to be a Teen Girl
Prologue
I grunted under the weight of my backpack, struggling to drag the suitcase behind me. The day prior, I had a large argument with my mom, which escalated to the point of my dad being involved, and from there it kept getting worse. It had ended with them locking me out of the home Wi-Fi. Fortunately, I had an old iPhone they didn't know about. It couldn't text or call, but I was able to message some friends on Discord.
That night, after my parents were asleep, I pulled out the biggest suitcase I could find, shoved as many clothes as I could into it, along with my favourite stuffed animal, Alice, a Blåhaj (yeah, I’m such a stereotype), then shoved everything else essential in my backpack - razor, laptop, HRT, makeup (can't go without that, my confidence would plummet if I stopped wearing it), toothbrush, toothpaste, and my trans pride flag. I wanted to bring my rainbow flag too, but I didn't want to carry too much. I could just get another one.
Around 5 the next morning, before my parents woke up, I slipped out the back door, and made my way through the park to the bus stop.
I wasn't entirely confident on where to go. I had looked online and found a shelter - a queer-friendly shelter - that I thought might work. I had sent an email ahead of time, but had yet to receive a response.
My name is Hazel. I’m pretty small. I had often been teased in high school for being a 'short boy' and for being girly. Turns out, I am pretty darn girly - since I am a girl and all.
Still, it had caused issues. Most of the boys teased me. I had felt perfectly comfortable being around other girls, but I had been so awkward back then, friendships didn't exactly last long.
Ah well, what's done is done. I couldn't exactly go back and do it over or anything. And even if I could, my parents wouldn't accept me anyway. Would make it a bit difficult to be out as a girl in high school while keeping it from them.
But if they did... if they did, I could have had an actual life, instead of going through the motions for the six years since puberty had really kicked in.
I had friendships before. Silena and Avery had been my best friends since basically Kindergarten. Then we had drifted apart; I became more and more withdrawn as my body betrayed me, becoming more and more masculine in ways I just couldn't undo - at least not easily. Voice training was hard and having to shave every morning sucked. I was happy I had never been able to grow more than 5'6". Sure, people teased me a bit, but I didn't feel really dysphoric when I noticed another woman being shorter than me since most actually weren't - they tended to be taller.
Maybe I would have been more outgoing and less withdrawn had I been able to be a girl? I thought so. After all, I had made several friends online (not in person because of the stupid pandemic) since coming out two years ago - a few months after I turned seventeen.
I might even have stayed friends with Silena and Avery. I still had them as Facebook friends. They had messaged me when I came out and changed my name on there, but I hadn't really talked to them since. I just felt really awkward trying to reconnect, and it seemed like they sensed that, because they hadn't reached out since.
I shivered. I was wearing both a jacket and hoodie, but the December air chilled me all the same. I stopped in front of a Tim Horton's. I could spot a few customers inside, sleepily chewing on whatever they had ordered for breakfast and sipping coffees. I hadn't eaten yet, and I was starving. I had some cash she'd pulled from the 'for emergencies' container by the front door, along with my debit card - although my bank account had maybe $500 tops. I pushed open the door and walked up to the counter. The person, whose gender I could not discern, looked up from their phone, a bored look in their eyes. "Can I help you, sir?"
I winced. I tried my best to shave, but my facial hair always left a noticeable shadow.
"Uh, I'm a girl, actually," I said quietly.
The worker just raised an eyebrow. "Don't look like one, 'cept for that long hair."
I glared at them.
They sighed. "Fine, whatever." Then under their voice, I heard them mutter, "sissy."
I scowled again, trying to make it clear that I had heard that.
The worker rolled their eyes.
I sighed. I didn't want to deal with this sort of bullshit after last night.
"I'll have a bacon grilled cheese," I said. "Oh, and a medium iced coffee."
"That'll be $10.48, sir."
I scowled again, but handed over the cash. They slipped the 20 into the register, before handing me my change.
They handed me my coffee thirty seconds later, and I took a sip. Delicious, as always. I continued to sip while waiting for my sandwich.
I was about half-way through the coffee when the worker handed me a bag. "Your grilled cheese, sir."
I glared at them. What an asshole. I grabbed the bag out of their hand and made my way to a table as far away from the counter as possible. I pulled out my phone - secret one, since my parents had taken the one they knew about last night. I connected to the Timmy's Wi-Fi, and opened up discord. Fortunately, I'd wiped my other phone, so my parents couldn't screw with any of my social medias out of spite or something - not that I thought they would, but I also wasn't sure they wouldn't.
I had a few unread DMs. All of them were from friends who I'd messaged the night before to let them know my plan. None were in Toronto (or near Toronto), so they couldn't help much, but they were supportive. One of them had sent a few links. I clicked on them and bookmarked them for later.
After going through my unread DMs, I checked through some servers I was in. I had a few messages of support in the private server I shared with some friends to organise games and the like. In another, more public server, I had gotten more supportive messages. Some people had been toxic, it appeared, but mods had already deleted the messages, so I had no clue what they had said. I sent some thanks for their support.
I got another ping. I swiped left to see what it was. A friend request. I tapped the friends tab to take a look.
SilenaJackson
I blinked.
That was Silena. My former friend. That was her last name. I clicked accept.
SilenaJackson: hi Hazel
HazeyGayzey: um, hi?
HazeyGayzey: how'd you get my discord?
SilenaJackson: it's on ur FB lol
HazeyGayzey: oh
SilenaJackson: I saw ur post last night
SilenaJackson: do u have a place to stay?
I was a little confused. Surely she had better things to do than to ask how I was, right? We weren't even friends anymore - not really.
HazeyGayzey: I found a shelter downtown
HazeyGayzey: it's queer-friendly
I checked back in some other servers for a bit, letting people know that I was ok and had a plan. Then another DM notif popped up. Silena again, of course.
SilenaJackson: shelter's fine and all, but you can stay at my place
SilencaJackson: couch is yours if ya want it
That was a genuinely tempting offer. In a shelter, I would need to room with people I didn't know. I did sort of know Silena. It had been several years, but there was still a bit more familiarity there.
HazeyGayzey: you serious?
SilenaJackson: completely serious, Hazel. I know we haven't chatted in years, but I still care about u
SilenaJackson: Avery is also here btw. We're still friends. I talked to her, and she would love to try and reconnect. So would I
Reconnect? They... wanted to be friends again? After all this time?
HazeyGayzey: really?
SilenaJackson: really really. We've missed you
I typed out a message to accept, but my finger hesitated over send. What if they took one look and changed their minds. 'Ew, what a freak.'
But they wouldn't be like that. They were both queer themselves, and they obviously knew I was trans. Silena didn't even have to offer, she could have just ignored me.
I hit send.
HazeyGayzey: sure. What's ur address?
Silena texted me her address. She told me to text her when I got there and she would meet me in the lobby
HazeyGayzey: I don't have a cell phone rn
HazeyGayzey: not one that can text anyway
SilenaJackson: there's a Timmy's not far from here. I can meet u there instead?
I pulled up google maps and looked in the area near her apartment building. I found the Timmy's I thought she might be referring to pretty quick. I took a screenshot and sent it to her.
HazeyGayzey: this it?
SilenaJackson: yup, that's it. I'll meet u there
SilenaJackson: what u got with u?
HazeyGayzey: backpack and a suitcase
SilenaJackson: heavy?
HazeyGayzey: very. But it has wheels, so it's all good
SilenaJackson: alright. I'll see you there then!
HazeyGayzey: seeya
My stomach did a flip. This would be the first time I saw Silena and Avery in person since early 2020, back before the stupid pandemic started. This was also the first time I'd properly talked to her since early high school. It made me feel all sorts of funky, but I shoved it down.
I quickly finished the last few bites of my sandwich, before grabbing my bags and heading back outside.
When I got there, Silena was already seated at one of the tables, and across from her... was Avery.
They had both changed a lot since high school. Silena's ears were covered in piercings, and her red hair had been dyed with streaks of blue. Avery's ears hadn't gotten any more pierced since high school, but her hair was now much shorter, shaved on the sides. She used to wear it longer and usually in a messy ponytail. As I walked into the shop, I noticed more details, like the fact that Silena was no longer wearing her glasses, probably instead wearing some contacts. Avery had had a stud on the side of her nose last I saw her, but now both she and Silena had gotten identical septum piercings. I was somewhat jealous of that; it was like a lesbian stereotype.
I nervously walked up to their table, my internal organs doing a complex acrobatics routine.
"Um, hi."
Both girls looked up at me.
They looked confused for a second, before their eyes lit up with recognition.
"Hazel?" Silena said.
I nodded, staring at the table - specifically, Avery's half-eaten donut.
"Long time, no see," Avery said. Her voice had gotten a bit deeper since I'd last heard. No less feminine, unlike mine.
"Um, yeah." I continued staring at the donut.
"You can look at us, you know," Silena said.
I flicked my eyes up to glance at her, before settling them back on the donut.
Avery sighed, then picked up the donut, forcing me to find something else to focus on. Fortunately, I found something. Unfortunately, that something was Silena's cleavage. I blushed and turned my gaze on the ceiling.
"You should probably sit down," Avery said. "Take that bag off. Your back must hurt by now."
I shrugged. It did. I took the bag off, placing it on top of my suitcase.
Silena sighed. "Hazel, please look at us."
I forced my gaze back to the other two girls.
Silena had a warm smile on her face, and Avery had that same goofy grin that she always had whenever I or Silena managed to do something she found amusing. I gave them a shy smile in return.
"Sit," Silena said, scooting over on the bench to make room for me.
I hesitated, then sat down. I tried to avoid touching Silena, feeling awkward, but she immediately wrapped her arms around me, pulling me into a hug. I briefly stiffened, before tentatively returning the hug.
"Thanks," I said.
"You needed it," Silena replied.
I pulled out of the hug, wiping at my face. It was wet. Oh god, was I crying?
Avery reached across the table to grasp my hand. "Hey, it's ok. We're here for you, Hazel."
I sobbed.
I hadn't talked with them in years, and yet they were willing to accept me back, just like that.
Silena patted me on the back. "It's ok, let it out."
She pulled me into another hug, and I gladly accepted. I sobbed into her shoulder. All the emotions from the past several years swept over me all at once - the pain, the anger, the sadness, the loneliness. I clung to Silena like a lifeline. I felt Avery wrap her arms around both of us.
After about a minute or so, my sobbing settled down. "I feel a bit better now."
Since I'd come out, I'd learned that crying was a great way to deal with an emotional overload. Unfortunately, I didn't often have the opportunity while I still lived with my parents. I made full use of the opportunity Avery and Silena were giving me.
Avery rubbed my back softly.
"You can stay with us as long as you want, Hazel," Silena whispered. "You're our friend."
Over the next few weeks, I grew accustomed to living with my former former friends. I had a job, which I still showed up for. It was a stupid retail job that I hated, but I got paid. That was good enough for me right now.
The rent was being paid for in full by Silena's parents. I offered to pitch in, but they had refused. Hell, they didn't even let Avery pay any of the rent.
I did, however, chip in on groceries and helped with cleaning and cooking. The routine was relaxing for me, and it really helped that even when I messed up or forgot to do something, neither Silena nor Avery ever yelled at me like my parents would do.
My mental health started to improve a bit. I was able to start regularly attending my online counselling sessions, which helped a lot, but being in a significantly less toxic environment helped tremendously.
My parents did try to contact me, of course. They couldn't exactly text or call since they still had my phone, but they did e-mail an old address of mine that was still under my deadname. I rarely checked it, so I didn't see it until a couple of weeks after it had been sent. They asked where I was. They told me they were disappointed in me. My dad had sent a separate email telling me my mom was sick with worry. This was not a completely out of nowhere tactic, my dad had often tried this sort of guilt-tripping with me - whenever I did something that my parents disliked, my dad would tell me how upset it made my mom.
Fortunately, soon after I found the emails, Silena came home. She comforted me, telling me that I didn't owe them anything.
I blocked my parents. Then I cried. Silena cheered me up with some ice cream.
We eventually managed to get the government to recognize Silena's apartment as my place of residence. At the same time, we sent in my name and gender change forms. After all of that, it felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I was free. I was Hazel. I was a girl. And no one could tell me otherwise.
Around Christmas time, we all managed to get the weekend off work - all four days, 24th to 27th. I had used some of my savings to buy Silena and Avery each a gift. I had ordered online, and fortunately, they arrived on the 23rd. Avery and Silena were both at work, so I quickly wrapped them. We didn't have any sort of tree, so we'd improvised and used an old Xbox 360 (that had red-ringed years ago and had been sitting in storage ever since) that belonged to Avery with a straw hat belonging to Silena perched on top. It was a little goofy, but we'd been stoned when we set it up, and afterwards we couldn't bear taking it down.
Christmas Eve was spent watching a bunch of movies. Mainly Pixar, but I managed to slip in both Frozen movies between Up and WALL-E. We fell asleep during Finding Dory.
On Christmas Day, we were going to spend time with Silena's parents. Avery's parents were... not great, so she was also no contact. She had lived with Silena's parents since we were fourteen.
That morning, we opened the gifts we'd gotten each other.
I had gotten both my friends some stuffed animals. Sure, we were adults now, but that didn't mean we couldn't enjoy a good stuffed animal. Besides, I'd seen the collection Silena had piled on her bed.
They had also gotten me and each other stuffed animals. There's a bit of a theme going on.
Silena had gotten me a small black cat plush, and Avery had gotten me a moose with a Canadian flag in trans colours on the side. I had no idea where she had found it, but it was pretty cute all the same.
We visited with Silena's parents in the afternoon. We had to take the subway all the way to North York.
They didn't live in a mansion, but you could tell they were well off. Everything was neatly kept. Still, their house felt lived in. It was the same house they'd had as long as I knew Silena.
I had used some concealer to hide my facial hair, and had applied a bit of makeup. It made me feel much less dysphoric, so it was definitely worth it.
I hadn't expected Silena's parents to get me anything, but they had anyway. Silena must've told them about how I sometimes complained about how hard it was to get rid of my facial hair, so they went and paid for a laser hair removal appointment.
I couldn't help but give both of them hugs for that.
God, Silena had such amazing parents.
Dinner was amazing. Silena's dad had cooked most of it, but her mom had helped with the pasta.
Then she insisted on taking some pictures, but Silena and Avery had convinced me to anyway.
And I looked... pretty. Looking at the pictures, I could still kind of see some masculine traits, but overall I looked like a girl. That made me feel incredibly happy, and I did a weird sort of wiggly happy dance.
As we were getting ready to leave and head home, Silena's mom said, "I am so glad you girls decided to reconnect. It was wonderful, seeing you together again."
It made me happy, her considering me just one of the girls like that. Before, it had always been me and the girls.
True, even three weeks after I had moved in, I still felt a bit like an outsider, but that feeling had lessened somewhat. Silena and Avery were great about reassuring me that they were happy to reconnect with me, and that they didn't mind my various mental health issues. They were always willing to give me a hug whenever I needed one. I tried to give them the same, especially one day, about two weeks in, when Avery nearly had a panic attack over one of her exams.
Then we made what may have been either the best or worst decision of our lives.
We woke up on the morning of the 26th. Nothing unusual except all three of us would be home all day. Normally at least one of us would be at work or have an exam or something.
Normally, we'd go outside and smoke some marijuana before heading back inside to relax. On the rare days where we were all home, we'd take edibles (that was what led to the Christmas Xbox-Hat-Tree).
But today was special. We also happened to have the 27th off. We'd never had even just two days off in a row, much less four.
So Avery had a brilliant idea (don't blame Avery, Silena and I easily could have said no, but we didn't). She had somehow managed to get a hold of some LSD. Judging by Silena's reaction, this wasn't the first time either.
As it turned out, this would be their third time taking acid, and they asked if I wanted to join.
I know, it is recommended to have someone sober to look after you, especially on your first trip... but we were a bunch of nineteen year olds, so of course we took it.
We gathered in Silena's bedroom with our laptops and a bowl of chips (which I don't think any of us would end up remembering). Avery handed Silena and I each one tab.
"First time?"
I nodded.
"This is mine and Silena's third time each."
We also placed the drug in our mouths, and swallowed.
I didn't feel any effects right away, and neither did Avery or Silena. I settled in to read some fanfics on my laptop, while Avery and Silena started playing some Minecraft together.
Eventually, however, it started getting harder to focus on the words on my screen. I decided to try maybe switching to YouTube videos instead, but they were too LOUD! I turned down the volume a bunch, but the noise from the video was still bugging me. I closed the tab and then my laptop.
I looked up at the other two girls. They had stopped playing Minecraft. Silena was staring off into space, occasionally giggling to herself for no apparent reason. I felt the urge to giggle, so I did. Avery was munching on a chocolate bar while staring intently at her laptop screen. She seemed to be glowing? Actually, both of them looked to be glowing a bit.
I stared. Then I noticed I was staring and wanted to stop staring. But I didn't. I should stop staring.
But they're so pretty.
Brain, stop it.
Pretty girls.
Yes we get it. I'm gay. Can we stop staring at them?
I looked at the chocolate bar in Avery's hand. I wanted one.
I got up to head to the kitchen. The chocolate was in the fridge.
When I turned back to head back into Silena's room with my prize, I found her standing in the doorway to the kitchen. She had a silly looking smile on her face. I found myself mirroring her.
"You're pretty," she said.
I blushed. "No I'm not."
She giggled. "You-you arrrrreeee." She said the last word long and drawn out.
I shook my head. "But, facial hair-"
Silena laughed. "Forget the facial hair! You're super pretty."
I wrinkled my nose. "Prove it."
She stepped closer to me. "You want me to prove it?"
I nodded. "Yes. If I'm so pretty, you should prove it."
She took another step. "Alright, I'll prove it." Another step. "Just one question, Hazel." Another step. "Can I kiss you?" One final step, and she was standing right in front of me, her face mere inches from my own.
"What?"
She smirked. "I want to kiss you because you're super pretty."
"Really?"
Silena nodded enthusiastically. "Yes. You're a pretty girl who I want to kiss. Can I?"
I tried to think about it, but all my brain managed to come up with was, 'I'm a pretty girl!' Followed by several mental heart emojis. How on Earth did I manage to think in emojis?
I found myself nodding. Fuck it, I do want a kiss. I hadn't had one since I was sixteen, and it had been terrible. Maybe kissing as a girl would be better?
It was. Loads better. So much better I didn't even notice when she stopped kissing me. And also when she kissed me again. I think I started kissing back too?
Point is: very good kiss. Or maybe I was just high. Or maybe it was both. Both is good.
Eventually we stopped. Why did we stop? I want more kisses. Kisses are nice.
We made it back out in the hall leading to her bedroom, then I said I wanted more kisses, and we got distracted again. Good distraction.
The next pause in kissing managed to get us to the doorway to her bedroom, then we went back to kissing.
I highly recommend kissing.
We stumbled back into Silena’s room, flushed and gasping for breath. Silena was giggling, and I was still stunned. Avery was sitting on the floor in the exact same spot we had left her. She was staring at the empty wrapper in her hand, as if wondering where the chocolate bar she had just eaten had gone. She didn’t notice us.
The bed looked soft, and it was covered in stuffed animals. I wanted to snuggle one of them. I climbed onto the bed and grabbed one of the toys at random and hugged it to my chest.
I wasn’t sure how long I stayed like that. I felt so happy. Then my brain helpfully reminded me that kissing was fun. I kissed the stuffed animal. It wasn’t as fun as with Silena.
I felt someone else get on the bed, but ignored them in favour of snuggling the cute plushie (and I can’t for the life of me remember what animal it was).
“Hey, Hazel.”
I looked up at the sound of my name. Avery was sitting on the bed, barely feet away from me. She had at some point taken off her shirt. After noticing that, I tried to look away. My head didn’t move, so I forced my eyes shut and held my hands over my face.
Avery snorted. “You can look.”
I shook my head.
“It’s ok, I don’t mind.”
I peaked out at her from behind my hands. She was still sitting in the same spot, a cocky grin adorning her features. I glanced at her chest, then covered my face again, whining.
I did want to look. But I also didn’t. No wait, I wasn’t supposed to. I wanted to but shouldn’t. It would be rude. But she had told me I could.
Avery gently pulled my hands from my face, and I let her. “C’mon, Haze. Look at my tits.”
So I did. They were nice tits.
We both jumped as Silena started laughing hysterically. She was looking at her laptop screen.
She didn’t notice us staring. I picked up one of the stuffed animals again and held it against my chest. Avery laid down next to me, stretching and groaning. “You ok, Haze?”
I nodded.
“Non-Verbal?”
I nodded again.
“Good or bad?”
I gave Avery a thumbs up.
“Ok good.” She sighed. “Even high, you’re still anxious about looking, huh?”
I nodded.
“I really do not mind though. We’re all living together. You think Silena and I haven’t seen each other naked at this point?”
I shrugged.
“Well, we have. Sometimes more, uh…” she trailed off. “I forget the word.” She laughed. “It’ll come to me. Maybe. Probably not.”
She watched Silena as the other girl munched on a chocolate bar.
Hang on.
Was that my chocolate bar?!
Later, we were all sitting on Silena’s bed. The high had worn off a bit, but was definitely still going strong. Rather than feeling like I was flying, I instead felt like I could fly, but could also ground myself if necessary.
Silena and Avery were talking. I don’t know what about, I was busy snuggling Alice (my Blahaj). Then I heard a sudden yelp. I looked up.
Something wasn’t quite right. Silena hadn’t been wearing glasses before, right? Actually, Avery’s hair was supposed to be short, right?
“Your hair!” Silena said at the same time that Avery said, “your glasses!”
Silena pulled her glasses off. “What the?”
They looked different too. Actually, everything looked different. We were still sitting on Silena’s bed… but it wasn’t the one in our apartment - it was Silena’s bed at her parents’ house.
I looked around. We were currently inside Silena’s old bedroom. I looked at my friends. They looked younger - much younger.
My blood ran cold. I stumbled as I stood up, nearly tripping over a blanket on the floor. I stopped in front of the mirror hanging on the back of the door to the en-suite bathroom.
I felt myself relax. Sure, I did look younger, but I still looked feminine. My hair was around shoulder length instead of reaching my mid-back like before. My facial hair was gone.
Actually, the only thing feminine about me was the hair. My eyes went wide and I reached up to touch my chest. “My boobs are gone!”
I turned back to the bed.
Silena was looking at me all confused, but Avery snorted. “So are mine.”
Silena sighed. “Me too.”
That wasn’t everything that had changed. Their clothes had completely changed. So had mine. Silena no longer had any piercings whatsoever, and Avery only had her ears pierced. I was pretty sure that before we took the drugs earlier, they had both had more piercings.
I touched my own ear lobes. My earrings were gone too.
I sat on the bed, shaking slightly.
“What the fuck just happened?” Avery said. Her voice was higher, and I’m pretty sure that wasn’t just panic over the situation.
Silena shrugged.
I searched my pockets for my phone. I found one, but it wasn’t the one I had that morning - it was my old phone, the one I’d left with my parents. I pressed the power button, and the screen flickered on.
What the hell?
“Hey, uh… can you two look at the dates on your phones?”
They started fishing around in their pockets. Avery came up empty handed, looking confused. Silena couldn’t find it in her pocket, but did find it sitting on her bedside table, plugged in to charge. She turned it on. “No way.” Her voice shook. “2015?!?!”