Old FFN Stuff

My TARDIS

Jenkins sat down at his desk. He sighed and looked up. "Who on earth are you?"

The man with the fez just looked at the girl next to him. "Well, it's a bit complicated, because, well, sometimes I'm not someone on Earth. Sometimes I'm on other planets, or just flying around in space. And sometimes, well for me anyway, it's outside of time and space, I'm time travelling. Jump around, savior of worlds. Unfortunately, I believe you stole my magnificent, amazing, overly complicated, sometimes faulty, but very reliable, blue time machine."

"We did not steal it. We just can't have people gallivanting around time and killing Hitler!"

"Excuse me! That was my wife who wanted to do that, not me! I tried to stop her. I mostly don't interfere. Okay, I sometimes don't interfere. Okay, I always interfere, but I don't change history. I know how not to do that. Except for these few times... but really, you lot don't even notice. Time can always change, no one notices. Except time travelers do. It's confusing, like a double memory. So, anyway, I'd like my TARDIS back. Please. Although I'm not exactly giving any options here."

"I'm sorry, I can't," Jenkins replied.

"Okay. You have fun with whatever it is your doing sitting around. I'll go find it myself. Come on Clara." The man pulled some weird... thing out of his pocket. He pointed it at a door and pressed a button. The end lit up and it made a weird buzzing noise. The door opened and the man stepped through. "I'm the Doctor, by the way, nice to meet you." He smiled and closed the door.

Jenkins sighed and put his head down on the desk. Sometimes people can be really confusing.

Cassandra was looking for a book on penguins. They kept turning up in random places in the library. So she figured, that since they can't send them back, they should just learn to take care of them. The largest Library ever was probably a good place to find such a book.

She rounded a corner and ran straight into a man. Said man was being followed by a girl.

"I'm sorry, are you okay?" The man asked?

"Yeah, I am," Cassandra replied.

"No your not," the man said, pointing a metal... stick thing at her head. it was making a buzzing noise. "Tumor. Not from running into me, but, should be easy enough."

The buzzing got higher pitched.

"There, that should do it."

"Um, do what?"

"Get rid of your cancer."

"Um... thanks? Hang, on. Who are you?"

"I'm the Doctor, this is Clara."

"Doctor Who?"

"I like it when they say that," The Doctor said.

"I know," Clara answered. "It's so cool. It's just the Doctor. What's your name?"

"Cassandra."

"Nice name, Cassandra. I prefer Clara, but Cassandra sounds similar." The Doctor mutter to himself. "Anyway, I was looking for something, and since the man at the desk was being so rude, I guess I'll ask you."

"Jenkins was being rude?" Cassandra blurted out.

"Oh, that's his name. Yes, he was. Kept going on about how I can't travel through time. I think I can, being a Time Lord and all."

"Your a what?"

"A Time Lord. From Gallifrey. Anyway, I need my ship. It's called the TARDIS. Could you help me?"

"Um... okay?"

"Don't worry. It took me a while to get used to the whole thing about him. It's weird, but now it's normal," Clara said.

"Your... not a Time Lord?"

"Nope. Completely human."

"Wait! He's an alien?"

"Yes. Gallifrey w- is a planet," Clara said.

"Okay... so you say time machine, right?"

"Yes, that's what we're after here. I know you have it," The Doctor answered.

"Okay, so the room where we keep the time machines is this way. Follow me," Cassandra said.

They entered the room. The Doctor went over to something covered with a huge a large piece of cloth. He pulled the cloth off, revealing a blue box. Near the top were the words 'POLICE PUBIC CALL BOX.'

"Hang on," Cassandra said, "I saw that, last time I was here."

"Did you? Isn't she beautiful. I missed you." The Doctor was now mostly talking to the box.

"Um... is that box alive?"

"Yes," Clara said. "For a while it didn't like me."

"It what?"

"Anyway, we need to get going," The Doctor said, "people to see, places to meet. The usual." He opened the door and stepped inside.

"Well, good bye," Clara said.

"Hang on, how do you both fit in there?" Cassandra asked.

"Want to see the secret?"

"Sure!"

Clara gestured for Cassandra to look inside the box. She stuck her head in and gasped. The inside was bigger than the outside.

She pulled my head out. "H-how did you fit all that in there?"

"Trans-dimentional engineering." The Doctor was leaning on the door frame. "There's an entire dimension in here, much like your library. It's crazy, you took something with one dimension shoved inside it and shoved it into a different dimension. Might make this takeoff particularly tricky, but she can do it." He turned and headed back into the box.

"Bye," Clara said, following the Doctor.

"Bye," Cassandra replied. That's when she saw the next weird thing. Shortly after the door closed, a light on top started flashing. A loud groaning noise filled the room, and then, the box just disappeared.

It's not like she hadn't seen things just as weird anyway.

Tantalus Just Can't Learn His Lesson

Poseidon was livid. You don't treat a son of the sea god like that, even if they were a cyclops. Then again, this guy apparently didn't know how to not piss off gods. He fed them his own kids for Zeus' sake!

Poseidon had a chat with his brother Hades about this subject. Hades, particularly disliking this man for a major insult back while he was still alive (this insult is actually the reason he died), gave Poseidon permission to talk with his spirit after he returned from his short parole to Camp Half-Blood.

Poseidon was directed to a small tent near the judgement pavillion, which seemed to be reserved for this kind of thing, considering there were several others.

He sat down in the chair. He turned to the man chained to the other chair. His hair was messy, and he was very skinny. He looked at Poseidon with contempt.

"I heard about your insults to my son, Tantalus."

"The brat deserved it!"

"On what grounds?"

"His chariot driving was horrible!"

"So you actually believed that. I'll have you know that the next chariot race saw him as champion."

Tantalus said nothing.

"And also, I don't like your treatment of my other son."

"That monster?" Tantalus croaked.

Poseidon instantly had his hand around the spirit's neck. "If you weren't already dead, I'd kill you now. Can't you take a hint. You were bullying him, then I claim him. If you knew what was good for you, you'd have shut up and respected his dignity a little. You can hate him all you want. But bully him?! You stepped over the line once again."

"My apologies, my lord."

Poseidon snorted. "If only you actually meant that. I'm not after an apology because I know that even if I get one, it won't be sincere. If I were you, I'd just shut up. It would keep me from getting more angry. As it is, I want you to endure every other punishment in those fields 1000 times over and then sent back to your punishment for another 9000 years. If this doesn't teach you your lesson, nothing else will. Guards, take this filth out of my sight."

"Yes, Lord Poseidon," the two spirits said as they enetered the tent.

"And increase the severity of his punishment."

"Don't worry brother."

Poseidon turned to find Hades smiling evilly.

"I heard your suggestion. I do quite like the idea. I think I might try that for some others who just can't stop insulting us."

"I agree."

Boredom

Harry was bored. He and Hermione had rescued Buckbeak ok, but now they had to just sit around and wait. Apparently they had been in the Shrieking Shack for about a half-hour.

He got so bored he started carving an intricate design into a small rock that really meant nothing. When he was finished, he slipped it into his pocket and turned to Hermione. "How much longer?"

Hermione checked her watch. "About one minute has passed."

Harry sighed and picked up another rock. One down, 29 to go.

After about 6 more rocks, Hermione stood up. She went over to Buckbeak, who nuzzled into her outstretched hand. Harry sighed when he realized he wouldn't be able to fit many more rocks into his pockets, so he started picking the bark off a stick.

Hermione sat down again. "You know, we could always play a game."

"Sure. How 'bout I spy?"

"Sounds good. I spy with my little eye... something green."

"Dang it, Hermione, we're surrounded by leaves!"

"I didn't say it was a leaf."

"Please let it not be a single blade of grass!"

Hermione laughed. "No, it's nothing that difficult!"

"Hmmm... how 'bout... my eyes?"

"No. Try again."

Harry looked around. He noticed a Slytherin banner hanging on Hogwarts' wall. "That banner?"

Hermione looked where he was pointing. "Yup, that's it."

"Okay, my turn." Harry made a show of looking around. "I spy with my little eye... something grey."

Hermione glanced over her shoulder. "Buckbeak?"

"Dang it, how'd you guess so fast?"

"I'm magical!"

Harry snorted. "Aren't we all, my friend."

Hermione laughed. "Okay, now my turn. I spy with my little eye... something that looks exactly like you!"

Harry looked towards the Whomping Willow to see his past self exiting with everyone else. "Looks like we're done waiting. Come on."

Jason and the Stapler

Was it too much to ask for a competent mother? Or maybe a father that actually showed up? To Thalia, it seemed that way. But she wouldn't leave, she had her younger brother to take care of.

She was making herself a sandwich. Jason was in the next room, probably trying to chew on yet another rubber ball.

When Thalia walked back into the room, she saw Jason somehow on top of the coffee table. With a stapler.

"Jason, no!" she shouted, but it was too late.

Jason had already tried to bite it.

There was a loud snap and then Jason began to cry.

Thalia dropped her sandwich and rushed over. She picked up her brother. She carried him to the bathroom to pull out the piece of metal and bandage his lip.

Vernon's Rage

"HARRY POTTER!" Vernon Dursley screamed. A few house down from them, in Number 12, Privet Drive, two young ladies, perhaps in their 20s, named Jamie and Lizzie, heard the shout.

"There goes that Dursley again, screaming at his nephew," Lizzie commented.

"I wonder what he did this time? Poop in the toilet maybe?" Jamie replied.

"Possibly. Lord knows he'd yell at that poor boy for just about anything," Lizzie took a sip of her lemonade (did I mention they had lemonade?).

"I know. Last time it was when he got good grades at school."

"Good God, again?"

"Third time this week, and it's only Tuesday."

"How does one do that?"

"Apparently," Jamie took a bite of her biscuit (they had those, too), "he was yelling at the boy for doing well at Sunday School."

"How in the world would that even work?"

"I'm honestly not sure. I get this feeling that Vernon Dursley lacks any common sense."

Lizzie rolled her eyes. "Clearly. Although, your sister does seem quite taken by young Potter, doesn't she?"

"Yes. Said he saved her from that oaf Dudley."

"Really makes you question what Venom and his wife keep saying about him."

"Venom?" Jamie raised her eyebrows.

"Well, his attitude does seem quite venomous, and the spelling is close."

"I see. Well, the point is, he's much too old for her. I mean, she's only 8, and he's... maybe 14... I don't know."

Well you know, I have a feeling that in their 20s, the age gap wouldn't be a problem."

Jamie looked thoughtful. "You might be right. I mean, Jeff is 7 years older than you."

Lizzie laughed. "I know. Speaking of boyfriends, how's that Sean fellow you were hanging out with yesterday?"

"Just a friend."

"Sure. Anyway, would you like some more lemonade?"

"Yes, please."

What Happened Last Night?

Warning: this fic contains suggestive elements

Harry groaned and sat up. He had just woken up, and his vision was blurry since his glasses weren't on. He also had a massive head ache.

He tried to feel for them to his left, where they always were, but instead felt something warm and soft.

He squinted, but was only able to make out something vaguely human shaped. He snapped his hand back as he realized what he had been touching was definitely female.

His face felt hot when realized he was naked, as well as the parts of the girl were not covered by a sheet.

He looked past her to see that his glasses, or something shaped like them, were sitting on a table next to the bed. He grabbed them and put them on, causing his vision to become clear.

Harry had to stifle a gasp; the girl next to him was none other than Hermione.

What happened, he thought. He turned to his right, intending to exit the bed, only to find his path blocked by the nude form of his sleeping girlfriend, Ginny.

Now Harry was really concerned about what had happened the night before.

He looked around the room, which he realized was Ginny's bed room. There were clothes scattered across the floor.

He heard a groan to his right and looked over. Ginny had woken up, and was rubbing the side of her head.

"Ow."

"You okay?" Harry asked.

Ginny nearly fell out of the bed. "Harry!" Then she seemed to realize she was naked and grabbed the sheet, pulling it over her chest. "What happened?"

Harry groaned as his head ache got more intense. "I don't know. The last thing I remember is Ron... holy shit."

Ginny winced. "Yeah. I remember that too."

"Where did he even get a bikini?"

Ginny shrugged, causing the sheet to fall. She yelped and grabbed at it, pulling on it violently.

This was apparently enough to wake up Hermione, who groaned as well before sitting up. Harry looked over at her. Her eyes were still closed and she was stretching her arms over head, yawning. This caused some interesting effects with her chest.

Harry realized that Ginny had pulled the sheet completely off Hermione, and that Hermione was, in fact, naked.

Hermione shook her head as if to clear it.

Then she focused on Harry.

"Oh my god!" she shouted. Harry winced at her loud tone, moving a hand to his head to massage his temple.

"Did we..." Hermione groaned. "Did that actually happen?" Hermione was whispering now.

"Did what..." Harry looked to see that Ginny looked completely baffled by Hermione's presence. Then realization seemed to come to her. "Holy shit. Mum's gonna kill me."

Hermione groaned. "My head hurts."

Harry softly nodded. "Same here." Harry scratched his head. "If I may ask, what happened?"

Ginny groaned again, falling backwards onto her pillow. "Do you not remember?"

Harry carefully shook his head. "No. I suppose that might be because of whatever I drank last night."

Hermione tried to shift, a pillow now on her lap and her fore arm resting on her chest. She groaned. "Ow."

Harry tried to keep focused on her face. "You okay?"

She nodded. "Yeah. I'm fine. It's just... you were a bit rough last night..."

"I... what?!" Harry was confused. Had they... had sex? Surely not. He was with Ginny. But Ginny was also with them, and the fact that they were all naked in a bed together spoke volumes.

"Hang on." Hermione looked to her left. Harry looked over her shoulder.

She grabbed all three of their wands, which were sitting on the table Harry had found his glasses on. She pointed the wands at each other and muttered a few spells, causing small wisps of smoke to come out of them. Whatever it was, it seemed to cause Hermione to relax a bit.

She handed the wands back to their owners. "We did cast the proper spells last night, so neither of us should be pregnant." She then pointed her wand at her head, said an incantation, and she relaxed even more. "That feels much better."

She repeated the process with Harry and Ginny, and both relaxed. Harry felt the head ache start to fade.

Slowly, memories of the previous night trickled into his mind. He groaned.

"So we actually... wow."

He looked at Hermione, who was blushing furiously.

"Seriously? Did I... Did it hurt?"

Hermione's blush only got more intense. "A bit at first... but it felt really good."

Ginny giggled, and Harry looked back at her. She was sitting up now and wasn't covering her chest. Harry tried not to stare, but having trouble with that task.

Ginny grabbed Harry's hand and squeezed. "Hey... I'm going to be completely honest... last night was fun."

Hermione sighed. "I'd have to agree. It was really fun."

Harry looked at Hermione for second, realizing she was also not covering herself anymore, then looked back to Ginny.

Ginny grinned. "Come on, Harry. I know you enjoyed it too. Just admit it."

Harry sighed. "Yeah... I did... sorry."

Hermione slapped his back. "Sorry? Really?"

Ginny giggled. She put her hand on Harry's chest, and started to rub up and down, her hand going further down on each downwards motion. "Really, Harry. We said we enjoyed it. You should not be sorry.

Hermione wrapped her arms around Harry from behind, her bare breasts pressing into his back. "And both of us want a round two."

Harry groaned and then nodded. Ginny smiled before climbing on top of him, positioning herself above his erection. She dropped herself down, and both of them groaned.

Dumbledore Takes a Shit

Dumbledore was really regretting eating 5 burritos earlier. It really wasn’t sitting well with his bowels.

Of course, it didn’t help that he couldn’t find any of the bloody bathrooms.

After walking past that one tapestry of the idiot who thought teaching trolls to dance ballet was a brilliant idea, Dumbledore spotted a door he hadn’t seen the first couple of times. Shrugging, he pulled it open to find… a room full of chamber pots. All with unique patterns painted on them, some even with a bit of gold plating on the sides. Dumbledore didn’t care, he just needed to shit.

So, he sat on the nearest chamber pot, and let out an audible groan as his bowels emptied themselves into the pot. Then he realised something.

There was no toilet paper.

Fortunately, just as he thought that, he spotted a roll a few feet away. He pulled out his wand and summoned it to him. Unfortunately, it was only a one-ply. Damn, budget cuts, he thought, tearing off some to wipe his butt.

Later, he could never find the room again.

Holly Takes a Shit

Holly stepped up to the grave. She looked around. It’s honestly hilarious that none of them can see me. I Fucking love magic.

Holly unzipped her pants, pulling out her penis. Normally she would not pee standing up, considering it caused dysphoria typically, but she could make an exception for this. She sighed as she emptied her bladder, trying (and failing) to trace the letters of the name.

After, zipped up her pants and walked off. Fuck you, Maggie Thatcher.